its_toriexbabe

I forgot to get my parents to sign the paper for prom. Ben had to bring it all the way back here. I had to get my dad to sign it. My dad was pissed that i had to go ALL the way back up to muhlenburg. But i didnt care. Mike came to get me in his 'stannnng. looove it. he took me to Bens. Ben was all happy that i got the paper signed! haha! so we decided i would chill then til whenever he felt like taking me home.. good deal. We had pizza for dinner. i havent had pizza in forever. good god. it was actually yummy. then we [[meaning his sister && i]] watched him work on an english project. thats when things SORT of turned sour for a little. his ex texted him during the day. denying acting childish @ hummels. denying her friends being douche bags. denying everything i guess. i dont care. i sat in silence for 15 minutes. he could tell i was pissed. tried to talk to me. no such luck. then he finished his project and came and sat next to me at the table. [[at that pt he was sitting across from me]] he tried to love up on me. i caved. but still let him know that i was upset. really upset. so he got up and motioned for me to come with him. i was like oook. We went to his stairwell. && he started loving on me again. once again i'm not really into it. cuz he just got done bringing up his ex once again. but i cave && he always knows how to make me cave. he holds me the right way && kisses me the right way && i'm done lol.. but anyway. he was like i cant go to hummels with you tomorrow.. i'm like i cant go tomorrow i'm broke && i dont wanna go next week or the week after or the week after && so on. && he's like i know why. i'm like yea he's like dont let her get to you. i'm like i'm not gonna. && i'm still gonna go. its just gonna be on me if i kick her fucking ass or not. then he looked me in the eyes. then wispered in my ear 'i'm not going anywhere..'.. *pause* 'unless you go with me.' then he brought up the fact that if he moved he;d ask me to go with.. && he said the cutest thing.. he was like 'i'd ask you to marry me first.' i'm like =] aww. and this has been the most we've seen each other in a week.. sunday, tues, wed, fri, then sat. its gonna be dumb next week when i dont see him til friday. veryyyy dumb.. he said he's never spent that much time looking in my eyes. i'm like mhm.. its like.. when he says cute things i never know what to say back. i just melt. he talked about how much i changed since we started dating.. losing 45 lbs. && just changing the way i am in general. i'm like you do this to me. you changed me. [[for the better]]. && it WAS him. no doubt. i wouldnt have done it wout him. we talked about how much we'd die if we lost each other. TRUE THAT! he said he'd wind up putting a gun to his head. i wouldnt doubt it.. usually that'd be freaky to some ppl. but not to me. i know him. we have sooo many summer plans now its not funny. i cant wait. to spend summer w/ him. he told me.. that he wouldnt mind spending the rest of his life like that [[how we were last night]] with me. i said i agree && we kissed. it was like.. a movie. i loved every second of it. it started out bad.. but ended up amazing.

thats how i like things..
ending up amazing.
<33

then i went home && had a stomach ache. GAYYASS.
i cant wait to see him tomorrow.
maybe tonight?
if he doesnt have practice.
&& talk to him later.


god i love him.

<3

The weekend is ooover. Unfortunately! For the most part it was theee best. pretty much.. ok so friday.. ben came over.. we just cuddled and watched t.v && stuff.. then we talked to my mom for like an hour.. he told her what happend at hummels.. i didnt want her to know.. its not that important to me anymore.. but he insisted on telling her about the skankbag. ok so when he left my mom was like.. he brought her up a lot.. are you sure he's over her.. i'm like wow idk i'll talk to him about that shit.. so i texted him and was like.. no more about your ex.. anymore no talking about her. i'm done w/ it.. then saturdayy came.! ashley came to get me @ 11. we went to get her eyebrows waxed. we went shopping for her prom shoes && stuff.. chik fil a for sweet tea. back to her house for dinner. dinner = stuffed shells && croissants. mmm. ice cream cake thank god for birthdays. the cake was very good.. i havent had cake in *counts on fingers..* god only knows how long.. ryan came over for dinner.. so after that and watching 27 dresses.. < great movie btw. we went to a ROYALS game. how kickass was it? god it was pretty kickass... we lost tho.. ohhh well. I met ryans younger brother sean.. he is nice.. a weird kid? sorta haha. but hes cool.. lol.. anywho.. so after the game we went back to ryans house.. i discovered the wonders of Blue Wave. mmm. looove it. I called ben. while i was drunk. things came out.. we discussed the ex g.f issue. he understood.. for the most part.. i like when he understands.. it makes me pretty happy.. i love him.. anyway.. i was sad tho sorta cuz i'm so used to seeing him on saturdays.. and ididnt get to.. that plus the blue wave ha.. nooot good.. so i did that then i crashed on ryans couch.. with ryans dog. his dog is sooo cute. but everyone else thinks he is ugly! def not the case! i love Chester!!! haha.. he is a deaf dog, with cat eyes, and a really bad underbite. he is adorable tho haha.. and very loving. and he stayed with me all night. i liked that.. it made me want a dog. really bad. like now haha. anyway.. sunday.. i came home.. i cleaned.. i went to church.. i came home.. i cleaned somemore.. then.. ben came to get me at around 6.. he was at a funeral since 3.. and then came to get me for the reception part of it or w/e.. sooo i went there.. then.. we went back to his house and watched i-robot. [[he had to watch it for school]] so that was good.. then.. he took me home.. on the way home i guess i looked worried cuz he asked me if i was still worried.. i just said no.. then when we were pulling in my drive way.. i turned the music down and i was like.. its hard not to worry. but i'm trying not to.. then he parked the car,, and opened the door so there was light.. he looked at me and spilled everything about how i have to stop worrying cuz he will never leave me for her. and he told me about the sleepless nights, the always being worried she was gonna break up with him, he thought for sure she was cheating on him.. and with me its completely different,, he sleeps sound, he knows i wont break up with him. and i wouldnt cheat on him.. he said yea shes a goodlooking girl but thats all she has going for her with anything "she has her bf and i have my gf" he said hes happy with me and he wants to stay with me.. he told me about how he was lost on saturday w/out coming to my house. he didnt know what to do... he missed me. that made me sad. cuz i was lost too and i missed him too! i was on the verge of tears. cuz he was being so sweeet. like wow. then i forget whatelse was said but i dont forget in my heart.. [[weird.. yea.. i know but its true]] so then we went in my house and he told me he never wants to let me go.. and he loves me. and we seriously spent like 5 min just hugging.. then, haha. yea anyway.. he basically proved himself to me yesterday. and how much he loves me. i told him i dont know what i'd do without him. he said the same to me. other things were said but once again i forget. but not in my heart..

I would do anything for him.
and if i ever lost him..
id be lost.

id die without benjamen wayne miller.
<3

this weekend proved to be the best in a while.

this coming weekend will be great.
next weekend will be amaazing [[his prom&&our sleepover]]
then the NEXT weekend will be amazing too! [[myy prom && another sleepover hopefully!]]
bye til later!
<3

 so yesterday.
was thurssday.

Hummels.
a linedancing place around these parts.

i neve went.. but yesterday.. i did.. and i had a blast..
my boy skipped football practice to come with. =]
made me feel special.

i got to hang with the bestie.
and i got to see chris!
woo!

last night cleared up a lot of things for me.. first of all.. bens ex g.f was there.. she tried to make a scene by being all loud and shit and stupid whor-like. but i didnt let it bother me. then we were standing there... and her and her b.f came by us and fucking pushed us. yea fuck that shit.

that was almost the last straw i was so close.
but ben was all like they just want our attention.. they just want you to get in trouble this is what they want they want a rise out of you dont let them get it. so i'm like ok i'm sorry.
so she continued to dance whorishly and be a dumb 15 yr old hoebag. 
but i didnt let it bother me.

but everytime he looked at her. it made me wanna walk away from him.. and i did.

so he got the hint everytime.
cuz i saw it every single time.
i'm not dumb i'm not retarded.

so we left then around 930. 945.
he decided i had to leave with him.
cuz he didnt want anything to happen to me.

on the way home,, i was silent.

he talked about how he loves me so much && nothing she could ever do would break us up, he'd never go back to her again, i have nothing to worry about, she was too young in the first place, she was a mistake, there is too much here for him to ever leave me.
then when he was done going on and on. he goes torie. i go what.? he goes.. i love you.
and i really believe him. 
cuz every time he looked at me he was like baby && i'd be like yea 
and he was just saying it to make me look at him.
and stop being so distant.

i just didnt konw what to do.. or think
but i really dont know what id do if that skank somehow broke us up in the future. i'd fuck her up.

even tho he assured me she wouldnt;.

so good.
then we texted til 12.

he was like she has no self respect
i'm like i dont care, sucks for her. i dont really feel like talking about her anymore.
and he's like your right, i;m sorry you had to deal with that tonight.
i was like its ok.. its not your fault.. i'm just glad you were there.
then he's like i wish you couldve stayed longer i just didnt feel right leaving you there.
i was like its ok.. its comforting to know you care so much so it really doesnt bother me.
hes like ok good ;)

he really is the best sometimes.

even if he does make me sad.
or piss me off.
or make me cry

its ok in the end


cuz i seriously love him
and would do anything for him.
<3

yea it was an ok night.
 
tonight hes coming over.
tomorrow i'm partying with the bestie.
&& sunday he is coming over.

great weekend ahead of me<3

 heyyy so i have not posted an entry in a couple days..
i have been soooort of busy.

yesterday.
i went to medic class..
oooh my gosh i have made the decision that it is completely and utterly THE THING I WANT TO DO. only.. its sorta boring. but i determined thats because they are almost done and are winding down w/ the boring stuff..
the instructor.. who runs at S.V EMS w/ ben,, gave the class a pop quiz,, and made me take it lol.. i was like AHHH.
but.. for not knowing anything they were doing.. i did ok haha.. i got like 27 wrong lol.... haha out of 40... they said that was better than some of the people who are actually IN the class i'm like thats CRAZZY cool.
HOT DAMN.


i'm gonna rock paramedic school.
=]

haha.
anywho i hope ben is ready for it cuz its hard.. but i'm gonna be here for him through it all.

i'm one dedicated g/f let me tell ya.

through work, football, and then medic school,, i'm gonna be putting up w/ a lot from this boy.. a;ldkjf akdjfal;sjfd thats a plate full.

=O ohh well. i love him. thats what love does to you i guess.

<33
i cant wait to see him on friday.
the parents might be meeting on friday.
ooooh my gosh.

nerveracking.

if not.
i gettt to see him anyway.
i cant wait to just look into his eyes. and fall asleep w/ him. and just have him hold me.
a;dlkf;a
cant wait.

this is love.
<3

study hall. its definetly like a hell. i'm stuck here in this place until the end of the day. i cant wait to start my job so i can start getting out at 11 again. i miss that... i miss a lot of things...

Things with Ben actually turned out pretty good this weekend.. after the whole.. "choosing EMS over me" thing..

which.. excuse me while i get off topic for just 1 second.. i would never choose EMS over ben.. He would never take the backseat to anything in my life and he knows that. Not EMS, not my job, not my friends, not even my family.. and everyone understands that.. but that boy.

back to this weekend.

I was pretty intent on him seeing that i was upset about him spending our ann. at S.V. EMS. so i was sort of distant over text.. and then he started being really nice.. thats the pattern with him.. he'll see he;s done something wrong,, and he'll start to be really nice.. i love that dont get me wrong cuz it means he is sorry.. but seriously.. dont do it in the first place.. it makes meee sad. and it gets me in one of my moods and its real hard to just get out of that slump once im in it.. So basically it was this thing where i was like i wish you were here instead of there and he was like me too baby.. then i was like i;d give you another massage. [[cuz i had given him one when he visited me at station cuz he had a rough morning]] and then he was like.. you'd give me the world wouldnt you.. i'm like i would.. is that bad? then something i did not expect from him at that second.. came from him.. he was like No. Cuz i would do the same for you! i was like Aww baby! i love you! and then i started falling asleep and said my goodnight shpealll and he did his.. and that was that for saturday..

then came sunday.

he ran at SV AGAIN. til 7. first i was pissed cuz  my dad made me go to church and HE didnt even go.. fuckin hypocrit to the MAX let ME tell YOU.. then when i got to Hamburg EMS.. i was listening to the scanner and freakin SV.. they kept getting calls and we got nothing. that irritated the piss out of me. fuck that.. seriously. everytime i walk into station its like a white cloud hangs over me. seriously people WANT me to come in so they dont get calls so they can just lounge around.. i swear. its gay. and then he barely texted me all day cuz he was on call-after-call-after-call. i'm like. BOO YOU WHORE! 

so then around 715 he came to get me. and he could tell i was in a bad mood. cuz he was like you didnt have to change. i snapped back. "i felt like it." then he gave me a kiss.. it was half-hearted. like a fuck you then sorta deal. then.. the drive to his house was almost complete silence. ALMOST. except for the radio.. then we got to his house.. 7:40. we ate dinner. && dessert. by that time its 9:00. mind you i must be home by 10:30. then he goes upstairs to change cuz he was icky from all the accidents he had at SV.. 9:15. then we sat and watched desperate housewives w/ his mom.. and then he started showing me some affection and see.. thats all i ask for.. A litttle. show me you love me baby.. and he did.. and we joked around.. cuz we just got to that pt in our relationship were its finally ok to play around and joke and stuff. and i like that. =]] and we were tickling and stuff.. it was cute. and it made me happy =] and the way he was on the way home.. and how he talked.. WAS AMAAAAZING. i'm so in love with him. Benjamen Wayne Miller. has def got my heart for always and forever. we may fight. and he may IRRITATE THE HELL OUT OF ME at times. but.. i love him. and no other =]]
so lets say. i'm in a good mood today.
lovestruck and in an amazzzing mood =]]



I'm gonna go now cuz this turned out to be a novel =]

<33

My first post..
Hmm. This is i think is gonna be good for me..
On myspace.. you cant really do the whole, getting your frustrations out thing..
cuz.. like..
everyone [[including the people you may be frustrated with]] can read your shiiiit.

and i'm super frustrated today.
so WHAT a day to get a LiveJournal haha.

i just want everything to be ok with like everything.
its ONE month til graduation.
i want $$ to be ok, i want friends to be ok, i want my honey to be ok, and home to be ok..
its soo hard..


so hard.
<3

I am a talker.
Usually..
but right now..
i miss Laguna Beach.. like a druggie misses crack...
so i'm hitting up youtube for some laguna beach =]]

yay haha.

*torie.